It’s that time of year. The leaves are turning and falling, the air is starting to cool. Time for jackets, warm socks, sweatshirts, hats, boots… ‘tis the season. The holidays can be tough: juggling the demands and expectations of work, family, finances, friends, travel, joys and disappointments. Holidays can be challenging under the best of circumstances – let alone when you have a child who struggles with addiction.

The reality of handling the holidays with addicted children

Those of us whose children suffer from addiction can face overwhelming challenges and difficulties, particularly during the holidays.

We worry about everyone – including our children struggling with addiction

Maybe you feel isolated or worried about your loved one. Perhaps they are on the streets, hospitalized, or their whereabouts and well-being are unknown.

Do you avoid holiday activities due to the addiction in your family? Do you feel others are judging you, creating feelings of isolation? Perhaps you dread another holiday of complex family dynamics. Should you exclude your addicted child? What if they show up uninvited? Intoxicated? What if you simply don’t feel like celebrating? Sometimes the “celebrations” in my home included bending over my son’s body to see if he was breathing.

We face additional financial pressure – due to the costs associated with addiction

The costs associated with addiction – rehabs, detox programs, hospital bills, therapists, losses from theft – coupled with holiday expectations can create additional strain. “I would do anything for my child,” might mean: mortgaging or refinancing a home, taking out expensive loans, borrowing from others, selling family heirlooms, perhaps finding additional income. This adds even more stress.

We go into the holidays already feeling overwhelmed and exhausted

Balancing between taking care of ourselves, putting forth the extra effort required over the holiday season and supporting our loved ones with addiction can be exhausting. Who has time for self-care with cookies to bake, presents to wrap, or flights to catch? Let’s face it, there’s only so much one Mama can do.

This stress can make us truly sick, physically and emotionally, which is why it is so important to get support and begin developing coping strategies RIGHT NOW. Perhaps you are feeling pangs of guilt or shame, remorse, sadness, fear, even anger. These feelings are natural and I can help teach you how to exist within these feelings, while continuing to love yourself and your addict child.

Our society has created expectations for the holidays which frequently can’t be met when loving a child suffering from addiction. How do we hold it together? Who should be the priority?

As I teach in MamasGotGrit retreats and workshops, YOU MAMA, must put yourself first.

Here are 5 tips for navigating the holiday season when your child struggles with addiction:

1. Love yourself

Every morning when you look in the mirror to brush your hair, teeth, etc., REALLY look in the mirror. No, not the quick cursory glance. I mean, REALLY look in the mirror. It’s OK to cry or laugh or shout out loud but when you are done, smile at yourself. No, not THAT smile, the small one you use for your neighbors or in the lunchroom at work. And no, not the one you use for selfies or instagram posts. I mean, the REAL DEAL. A true big smile. AT YOURSELF. I LOVE THIS WOMAN!! ME!!! Start out every day this way and I promise, you will set the tone for a continued pattern of self love. It’s a baby step but an important one!

2. Set a boundary

Take another baby step – just one for now. Maybe it is not answering your phone after 9 pm. Or sending a text back to simply say “I can’t talk right now, I love you.” Don’t drop everything to pick your child up every time they ask for a ride, or stop what you’re doing when they call with the latest drama which has them unraveled, or the one we all know, call to ask for money. If you want to support them by simply listening, YOU take charge of when these conversations will take place.

You deserve to set boundaries. You have likely put the needs of this child before others, most especially your own. This may have gone on for months, years, even decades. Habits are hard to break but you have done hard things! Reach out for support if you struggle to maintain the boundary. If you falter, it’s OK. Forgive yourself. Next time you will get this! When you are ready, we’ll help you set another one.

3. Make self-care your priority

Do something every day that brings you joy. Something that feeds your soul. Maybe it is a hobby you enjoy such as knitting, jigsaw, art, photography, or gardening with your favorite playlist in the background. Isolating is not self-care. Self care is giving yourself grace, compassion and forgiveness.

Don’t really have any hobbies? Try this: Think of a time when you felt true bliss. Where were you? Who were you with? What were the smells? What did you see? What could you touch or taste? Spend some time remembering one true moment of joy and try to re-create the scenario as best you can. Write about it. Draw it. Make a song or poem out of it. Have fun!

If you are continuing to struggle with self-care, try making a list of your life accomplishments. Simply list all your skills without any edits, rankings or value judgments. No matter what your path and might be, never forget your own precious value! Include the major ones and don’t forget the minor successes too. Everything you do in life matters. Whether you learned to play golf or piano or baked a dozen (or six) cookies, write it down. You raised a child, dog, cat, horse… write it down. Think about your strengths and those things which come naturally to you. Accept your successes without modesty! Look at your list and add to it regularly. Compliment yourself at the end of each day. If you keep up this practice, you will begin to have something to revisit in your mind when the negative thoughts come zooming through. You’ve got grit mama!

4. Make a plan

Have a family meeting. If you are alone, have a meeting with yourself. Check your list of accomplishments to give you strength, or reach out to our community for support.

Meeting agenda item No. 1:

Safety is imperative. If you think your addict child might show up unannounced or inebriated (or both), have a plan. Perhaps you will ask them to leave. You might need to notify local authorities to have them removed. This in no way means you don’t love them. It means you are setting a boundary (see #2 above). They can not be there. Period. If this evokes strong feelings, write them down to revisit later. Find out how your family/friends feel about your addict child participating in the holidays. Maybe they are estranged – don’t choose this time to reconcile. If the consensus is not to engage, honor that. Do not try to convince people “this time will be different,” or “c’mon, you’re being selfish.” It won’t be different until it IS different.

Meeting agenda item No. 2:

As best you can, eliminate potential triggers. We all have them. Triggers are: strong emotional reactions to stimuli, as in past events. You have them. Your family members likely have them. Your addict child might also be triggered by the holidays or family get-togethers. If so, you may want to see your child in a neutral setting apart from the family. One year, I visited my son when he was homeless on Christmas Day in a park with hot chocolate and bagels. We sat and talked, we hugged and cried. It is now one of my most joyous memories, knowing my son was grateful simply for my presence that day. Let this time be about the love you have for your child. Perhaps there is an activity you enjoy together (museum, movie, visit an animal shelter), or simply walk and talk. There is power in being with another human being and knowing we are loved.

5. Implement your plan

Review your safety strategy. If your child shows up, who is assigned to take them outside and away from your home? How will you handle the begging and pleading? “I’m hungry.” Wrap a plate of food to go. “I don’t have anywhere to go.” Take them to the closest homeless shelter (you already have addresses written down). “I need money.” They do not. Have a small gift ready for them. Anything from a yo-yo or harmonica to a warm jacket or book. If they try to return it or sell it, which they might, that is not your concern. If they are incarcerated, give them a call.

Drawing from your self-care activities, choose one or two which you can continue during the holiday season. There is no need to maintain a facade of “normalcy.” There are decisions and boundaries. You’ve got GRIT and can do this!

Being a Mama is hard. 

We change diapers, blow runny noses, say teary good-byes as our kids go off to school.  We help navigate adolescence, watch them grow into themselves and try holding onto each moment.  Remember the first day you dropped your child off to be in someone else’s care?  That feeling of helplessness, hopefulness and loss of control?  As mothers of children suffering from addiction, these same feelings exist.  On steroids.